Part Seven: Chapter 28

by Leo Tolstoy

　　It was bright and sunny. A fine rain had been falling all themorning, and now it had not long cleared up. The iron roofs, theflags of the roads, the flints of the pavements, the wheels andleather, the brass and the tinplate of the carriages--allglistened brightly in the May sunshine. It was three o'clock,and the very liveliest time in the streets.

　　As she sat in a corner of the comfortable carriage, that hardlyswayed on its supple springs, while the grays trotted swiftly, inthe midst of the unceasing rattle of wheels and the changingimpressions in the pure air, Anna ran over the events of the lastdays, and she saw her position quite differently from how it hadseemed at home. Now the thought of death seemed no longer soterrible and so clear to her, and death itself no longer seemedso inevitable. Now she blamed herself for the humiliation towhich she had lowered herself. "I entreat him to forgive me. Ihave given in to him. I have owned myself in fault. What for?Can't I live without him?" And leaving unanswered the questionhow she was going to live without him, she fell to reading thesigns on the shops. "Office and warehouse. Dental surgeon.Yes, I'll tell Dolly all about it. She doesn't like Vronsky. Ishall be sick and ashamed, but I'll tell her. She loves me, andI'll follow her advice. I won't give in to him; I won't let himtrain me as he pleases. Filippov, bun shop. They say they sendtheir dough to Petersburg. The Moscow water is so good for it.Ah, the springs at Mitishtchen, and the pancakes!"

　　And she remembered how, long, long ago, when she was a girl ofseventeen, she had gone with her aunt to Troitsa. "Riding, too.Was that really me, with red hands? How much that seemed to methen splendid and out of reach has become worthless, while whatI had then has gone out of my reach forever! Could I ever havebelieved then that I could come to such humiliation? Howconceited and self-satisfied he will be when he gets my note!But I will show him.... How horrid that paint smells! Why is itthey're always painting and building? Modes et robes," she read.A man bowed to her. It was Annushka's husband. "Our parasites";she remembered how Vronsky had said that. "Our? Why our?What's so awful is that one can't tear up the past by its roots.One can't tear it out, but one can hide one's memory of it. AndI'll hide it." And then she thought of her past with AlexeyAlexandrovitch, of how she had blotted the memory of it out ofher life. "Dolly will think I'm leaving my second husband, andso I certainly must be in the wrong. As if I cared to be right!I can't help it!" she said, and she wanted to cry. But at onceshe fell to wondering what those two girls could be smilingabout. "Love, most likely. They don't know how dreary it is,how low.... The boulevard and the children. Three boys running,playing at horses. Seryozha! And I'm losing everything and notgetting him back. Yes, I'm losing everything, if he doesn'treturn. Perhaps he was late for the train and has come back bynow. Longing for humiliation again!" she said to herself. "No,I'll go to Dolly, and say straight out to her, I'm unhappy, Ideserve this, I'm to blame, but still I'm unhappy, help me.These horses, this carriage--how loathsome I am to myself in thiscarriage--all his; but I won't see them again."

　　Thinking over the words in which she would tell Dolly, andmentally working her heart up to great bitterness, Anna wentupstairs.

　　"Is there anyone with her?" she asked in the hall.

　　"Katerina Alexandrovna Levin," answered the footman.

　　"Kitty! Kitty, whom Vronsky was in love with!" thought Anna,"the girl he thinks of with love. He's sorry he didn't marryher. But me he thinks of with hatred, and is sorry he hadanything to do with me."

　　The sisters were having a consultation about nursing when Annacalled. Dolly went down alone to see the visitor who hadinterrupted their conversation.

　　"Well, so you've not gone away yet? I meant to have come toyou," she said; "I had a letter from Stiva today."

　　"We had a telegram too," answered Anna, looking round for Kitty.

　　"He writes that he can't make out quite what AlexeyAlexandrovitch wants, but he won't go away without a decisiveanswer."

　　"I thought you had someone with you. Can I see the letter?"

　　"Yes; Kitty," said Dolly, embarrassed. "She stayed in thenursery. She has been very ill."

　　"So I heard. May I see the letter?"

　　"I'll get it directly. But he doesn't refuse; on the contrary,Stiva has hopes," said Dolly, stopping in the doorway.

　　"I haven't, and indeed I don't wish it," said Anna.

　　"What's this? Does Kitty consider it degrading to meet me?"thought Anna when she was alone. "Perhaps she's right, too. Butit's not for her, the girl who was in love with Vronsky, it's notfor her to show me that, even if it is true. I know that in myposition I can't be received by any decent woman. I knew thatfrom the first moment I sacrificed everything to him. And thisis my reward! Oh, how I hate him! And what did I come here for?I'm worse here, more miserable." She heard from the next roomthe sisters' voices in consultation. "And what am I going to sayto Dolly now? Amuse Kitty by the sight of my wretchedness,submit to her patronizing? No; and besides, Dolly wouldn'tunderstand. And it would be no good my telling her. It wouldonly be interesting to see Kitty, to show her how I despiseeveryone and everything, how nothing matters to me now."

　　Dolly came in with the letter. Anna read it and handed it backin silence.

　　"I knew all that," she said, "and it doesn't interest me in theleast."

　　"Oh, why so? On the contrary, I have hopes," said Dolly, lookinginquisitively at Anna. She had never seen her in such astrangely irritable condition. "When are you going away?" sheasked.

　　Anna, half-closing her eyes, looked straight before her and didnot answer.

　　"Why does Kitty shrink from me?" she said, looking at the doorand flushing red.

　　"Oh, what nonsense! She's nursing, and things aren't going rightwith her, and I've been advising her.... She's delighted.She'll be here in a minute," said Dolly awkwardly, not clever atlying. "Yes, here she is."

　　Hearing that Anna had called, Kitty had wanted not to appear, butDolly persuaded her. Rallying her forces, Kitty went in, walkedup to her, blushing, and shook hands.

　　"I am so glad to see you," she said with a trembling voice.

　　Kitty had been thrown into confusion by the inward conflictbetween her antagonism to this bad woman and her desire to benice to her. But as soon as she saw Anna's lovely and attractiveface, all feeling of antagonism disappeared.

　　"I should not have been surprised if you had not cared to meetme. I'm used to everything. You have been ill? Yes, you arechanged," said Anna.

　　Kitty felt that Anna was looking at her with hostile eyes. Sheascribed this hostility to the awkward position in which Anna,who had once patronized her, must feel with her now, and she feltsorry for her.

　　They talked of Kitty's illness, of the baby, of Stiva, but it wasobvious that nothing interested Anna.

　　"I came to say good-bye to you," she said, getting up.

　　"Oh, when are you going?"

　　But again not answering, Anna turned to Kitty.

　　"Yes, I am very glad to have seen you," she said with a smile."I have heard so much of you from everyone, even from yourhusband. He came to see me, and I liked him exceedingly," shesaid, unmistakably with malicious intent. "Where is he?"

　　"He has gone back to the country," said Kitty, blushing.

　　"Remember me to him, be sure you do."

　　"I'll be sure to!" Kitty said naively, looking compassionatelyinto her eyes.

　　"So good-bye, Dolly." And kissing Dolly and shaking hands withKitty, Anna went out hurriedly.

　　"She's just the same and just as charming! She's very lovely!"said Kitty, when she was alone with her sister. "But there'ssomething piteous about her. Awfully piteous!"

　　"Yes, there's something unusual about her today," said Dolly."When I went with her into the hall, I fancied she was almostcrying."