X-ing a Paragrab
AS it is well known that the 'wise men' came 'from the East,' and asMr. Touch-and-go Bullet-head came from the East, it follows that Mr.Bullet-head was a wise man; and if collateral proof of the matter beneeded, here we have it -- Mr. B. was an editor. Irascibility was hissole foible, for in fact the obstinacy of which men accused him wasanything but his foible, since he justly considered it his forte. Itwas his strong point -- his virtue; and it would have required allthe logic of a Brownson to convince him that it was 'anything else.'I have shown that Touch-and-go Bullet-head was a wise man; and theonly occasion on which he did not prove infallible, was when,abandoning that legitimate home for all wise men, the East, hemigrated to the city of Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolis, or some placeof a similar title, out West.I must do him the justice to say, however, that when he made up hismind finally to settle in that town, it was under the impression thatno newspaper, and consequently no editor, existed in that particularsection of the country. In establishing 'The Tea-Pot' he expected tohave the field all to himself. I feel confident he never would havedreamed of taking up his residence in Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolishad he been aware that, in Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolis, there liveda gentleman named John Smith (if I rightly remember), who for manyyears had there quietly grown fat in editing and publishing the'Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolis Gazette.' It was solely, therefore, onaccount of having been misinformed, that Mr. Bullet-head foundhimself in Alex-suppose we call it Nopolis, 'for short' -- but, as hedid find himself there, he determined to keep up his character forobst -- for firmness, and remain. So remain he did; and he did more;he unpacked his press, type, etc., etc., rented an office exactlyopposite to that of the 'Gazette,' and, on the third morning afterhis arrival, issued the first number of 'The Alexan' -- that is tosay, of 'The Nopolis Tea-Pot' -- as nearly as I can recollect, thiswas the name of the new paper.The leading article, I must admit, was brilliant -- not to saysevere. It was especially bitter about things in general -- and asfor the editor of 'The Gazette,' he was torn all to pieces inparticular. Some of Bullethead's remarks were really so fiery that Ihave always, since that time, been forced to look upon John Smith,who is still alive, in the light of a salamander. I cannot pretend togive all the 'Tea-Pot's' paragraphs verbatim, but one of them runsthus:'Oh, yes! -- Oh, we perceive! Oh, no doubt! The editor over the wayis a genius -- O, my! Oh, goodness, gracious! -- what is this worldcoming to? Oh, tempora! Oh, Moses!'A philippic at once so caustic and so classical, alighted like abombshell among the hitherto peaceful citizens of Nopolis. Groups ofexcited individuals gathered at the corners of the streets. Every oneawaited, with heartfelt anxiety, the reply of the dignified Smith.Next morning it appeared as follows:'We quote from "The Tea-Pot" of yesterday the subjoined paragraph:"Oh, yes! Oh, we perceive! Oh, no doubt! Oh, my! Oh, goodness! Oh,tempora! Oh, Moses!" Why, the fellow is all O! That accounts for hisreasoning in a circle, and explains why there is neither beginningnor end to him, nor to anything he says. We really do not believe thevagabond can write a word that hasn't an O in it. Wonder if thisO-ing is a habit of his? By-the-by, he came away from Down-East in agreat hurry. Wonder if he O's as much there as he does here? "O! itis pitiful."'The indignation of Mr. Bullet-head at these scandalous insinuations,I shall not attempt to describe. On the eel-skinning principle,however, he did not seem to be so much incensed at the attack uponhis integrity as one might have imagined. It was the sneer at hisstyle that drove him to desperation. What! -- he Touch-and-goBullet-head! -- not able to write a word without an O in it! He wouldsoon let the jackanapes see that he was mistaken. Yes! he would lethim see how much he was mistaken, the puppy! He, Touch-and-goBullet-head, of Frogpondium, would let Mr. John Smith perceive thathe, Bullet-head, could indite, if it so pleased him, a wholeparagraph -- aye! a whole article -- in which that contemptible vowelshould not once -- not even once -- make its appearance. But no; --that would be yielding a point to the said John Smith. He,Bullet-head, would make no alteration in his style, to suit thecaprices of any Mr. Smith in Christendom. Perish so vile a thought!The O forever; He would persist in the O. He would be as O-wy as O-wycould be.Burning with the chivalry of this determination, the greatTouch-and-go, in the next 'Tea-Pot,' came out merely with this simplebut resolute paragraph, in reference to this unhappy affair:'The editor of the "Tea-Pot" has the honor of advising the editor ofthe "Gazette" that he (the "Tea-Pot") will take an opportunity intomorrow morning's paper, of convincing him (the "Gazette") that he(the "Tea-Pot") both can and will be his own master, as regardsstyle; he (the "Tea-Pot") intending to show him (the "Gazette") thesupreme, and indeed the withering contempt with which the criticismof him (the "Gazette") inspires the independent bosom of him (the"TeaPot") by composing for the especial gratification (?) of him (the"Gazette") a leading article, of some extent, in which the beautifulvowel -- the emblem of Eternity -- yet so offensive to thehyper-exquisite delicacy of him (the "Gazette") shall most certainlynot be avoided by his (the "Gazette's") most obedient, humbleservant, the "Tea-Pot." "So much for Buckingham!"'In fulfilment of the awful threat thus darkly intimated rather thandecidedly enunciated, the great Bullet-head, turning a deaf ear toall entreaties for 'copy,' and simply requesting his foreman to 'goto the d-l,' when he (the foreman) assured him (the 'Tea-Pot'!) thatit was high time to 'go to press': turning a deaf ear to everything,I say, the great Bullet-head sat up until day-break, consuming themidnight oil, and absorbed in the composition of the reallyunparalleled paragraph, which follows:-'So ho, John! how now? Told you so, you know. Don't crow, anothertime, before you're out of the woods! Does your mother know you'reout? Oh, no, no! -- so go home at once, now, John, to your odious oldwoods of Concord! Go home to your woods, old owl -- go! You won't!Oh, poh, poh, don't do so! You've got to go, you know! So go at once,and don't go slow, for nobody owns you here, you know! Oh! John,John, if you don't go you're no homo -- no! You're only a fowl, anowl, a cow, a sow, -- a doll, a poll; a poor, old,good-for-nothing-to-nobody, log, dog, hog, or frog, come out of aConcord bog. Cool, now -- cool! Do be cool, you fool! None of yourcrowing, old cock! Don't frown so -- don't! Don't hollo, nor howl norgrowl, nor bow-wow-wow! Good Lord, John, how you do look! Told youso, you know -- but stop rolling your goose of an old poll about so,and go and drown your sorrows in a bowl!'Exhausted, very naturally, by so stupendous an effort, the greatTouch-and-go could attend to nothing farther that night. Firmly,composedly, yet with an air of conscious power, he handed his MS. tothe devil in waiting, and then, walking leisurely home, retired, withineffable dignity to bed.Meantime the devil, to whom the copy was entrusted, ran up stairs tohis 'case,' in an unutterable hurry, and forthwith made acommencement at 'setting' the MS. 'up.'In the first place, of course, -- as the opening word was 'So,' -- hemade a plunge into the capital S hole and came out in triumph with acapital S. Elated by this success, he immediately threw himself uponthe little-o box with a blindfold impetuosity -- but who shalldescribe his horror when his fingers came up without the anticipatedletter in their clutch? who shall paint his astonishment and rage atperceiving, as he rubbed his knuckles, that he had been only thumpingthem to no purpose, against the bottom of an empty box. Not a singlelittle-o was in the little-o hole; and, glancing fearfully at thecapital-O partition, he found that to his extreme terror, in aprecisely similar predicament. Awe -- stricken, his first impulse wasto rush to the foreman.'Sir!' said he, gasping for breath, 'I can't never set up nothingwithout no o's.''What do you mean by that?' growled the foreman, who was in a veryill humor at being kept so late.'Why, sir, there beant an o in the office, neither a big un nor alittle un!''What -- what the d-l has become of all that were in the case?''I don't know, sir,' said the boy, 'but one of them ere "G'zette"devils is bin prowling 'bout here all night, and I spect he's goneand cabbaged 'em every one.''Dod rot him! I haven't a doubt of it,' replied the foreman, gettingpurple with rage 'but I tell you what you do, Bob, that's a good boy-- you go over the first chance you get and hook every one of theiri's and (d-n them!) their izzards.''Jist so,' replied Bob, with a wink and a frown -- 'I'll be into 'em,I'll let 'em know a thing or two; but in de meantime, that ereparagrab? Mus go in to-night, you know -- else there'll be the d-l topay, and-''And not a bit of pitch hot,' interrupted the foreman, with a deepsigh, and an emphasis on the 'bit.' 'Is it a long paragraph, Bob?''Shouldn't call it a wery long paragrab,' said Bob.'Ah, well, then! do the best you can with it! We must get to press,"said the foreman, who was over head and ears in work; 'just stick insome other letter for o; nobody's going to read the fellow's trashanyhow.''Wery well,' replied Bob, 'here goes it!' and off he hurried to hiscase, muttering as he went: 'Considdeble vell, them ere expressions,perticcler for a man as doesn't swar. So I's to gouge out all theireyes, eh? and d-n all their gizzards! Vell! this here's the chap asis just able for to do it.' The fact is that although Bob was buttwelve years old and four feet high, he was equal to any amount offight, in a small way.The exigency here described is by no means of rare occurrence inprinting-offices; and I cannot tell how to account for it, but thefact is indisputable, that when the exigency does occur, it almostalways happens that x is adopted as a substitute for the letterdeficient. The true reason, perhaps, is that x is rather the mostsuperabundant letter in the cases, or at least was so in the oldtimes -- long enough to render the substitution in question anhabitual thing with printers. As for Bob, he would have considered itheretical to employ any other character, in a case of this kind, thanthe x to which he had been accustomed.'I shell have to x this ere paragrab,' said he to himself, as he readit over in astonishment, 'but it's jest about the awfulest o-wyparagrab I ever did see': so x it he did, unflinchingly, and to pressit went x-ed.Next morning the population of Nopolis were taken all aback byreading in 'The Tea-Pot,' the following extraordinary leader:'Sx hx, Jxhn! hxw nxw? Txld yxu sx, yxu knxw. Dxn't crxw, anxthertime, befxre yxu're xut xf the wxxds! Dxes yxur mxther knxw yxu'rexut? Xh, nx, nx! -- sx gx hxme at xnce, nxw, Jxhn, tx yxur xdixus xldwxxds xf Cxncxrd! Gx hxme tx yxur wxxds, xld xwl, -- gx! Yxu wxn't?Xh, pxh, pxh, Jxhn, dxn't dx sx! Yxu've gxt tx gx, yxu knxw, sx gx atxnce, and dxn't gx slxw; fxr nxbxdy xwns yxu here, yxu knxw. Xh,Jxhn, Jxhn, Jxhn, if yxu dxn't gx yxu're nx hxmx -- nx! Yxu're xnly afxwl, an xwl; a cxw, a sxw; a dxll, a pxll; a pxxr xldgxxd-fxr-nxthing-tx-nxbxdy, lxg, dxg, hxg, xr frxg, cxme xut xf aCxncxrd bxg. Cxxl, nxw -- cxxl! Dx be cxxl, yxu fxxl! Nxne xf yxurcrxwing, xld cxck! Dxn't frxwn sx -- dxn't! Dxn't hxllx, nxr hxwl,nxr grxwl, nxr bxw-wxw-wxw! Gxxd Lxrd, Jxhn, hxw yxu dx lxxk! Txldyxu sx, yxu knxw, -- but stxp rxlling yxur gxxse xf an xld pxll abxutsx, and gx and drxwn yxur sxrrxws in a bxwl!'The uproar occasioned by this mystical and cabalistical article, isnot to be conceived. The first definite idea entertained by thepopulace was, that some diabolical treason lay concealed in thehieroglyphics; and there was a general rush to Bullet-head'sresidence, for the purpose of riding him on a rail; but thatgentleman was nowhere to be found. He had vanished, no one could tellhow; and not even the ghost of him has ever been seen since.Unable to discover its legitimate object, the popular fury at lengthsubsided; leaving behind it, by way of sediment, quite a medley ofopinion about this unhappy affair.One gentleman thought the whole an X-ellent joke.Another said that, indeed, Bullet-head had shown much X-uberance offancy.A third admitted him X-entric, but no more.A fourth could only suppose it the Yankee's design to X-press, in ageneral way, his X-asperation.'Say, rather, to set an X-ample to posterity,' suggested a fifth.That Bullet-head had been driven to an extremity, was clear to all;and in fact, since that editor could not be found, there was sometalk about lynching the other one.The more common conclusion, however, was that the affair was, simply,X-traordinary and in-X-plicable. Even the town mathematicianconfessed that he could make nothing of so dark a problem. X, every.body knew, was an unknown quantity; but in this case (as he properlyobserved), there was an unknown quantity of X.The opinion of Bob, the devil (who kept dark about his having 'X-edthe paragrab'), did not meet with so much attention as I think itdeserved, although it was very openly and very fearlessly expressed.He said that, for his part, he had no doubt about the matter at all,that it was a clear case, that Mr. Bullet-head 'never could bepersuaded fur to drink like other folks, but vas continuallya-svigging o' that ere blessed XXX ale, and as a naiteralconsekvence, it just puffed him up savage, and made him X (cross) inthe X-treme.'
zpostcode
Recruit
weather
mreligion
Yellowpages
sport
constellation
shopping
name
game
directory
literature
Word
tour
furnish
Lottery
tftnews
lyrics
News
digital
car
dir
Edu
Finance
