Book Fifteen: 1812-13 - Chapter XX

by Leo Tolstoy

　　After Pierre's departure that first evening, when Natasha had saidto Princess Mary with a gaily mocking smile: "He looks just, yes, justas if he had come out of a Russian bath- in a short coat and withhis hair cropped," something hidden and unknown to herself, butirrepressible, awoke in Natasha's soul.

　　Everything: her face, walk, look, and voice, was suddenly altered.To her own surprise a power of life and hope of happiness rose tothe surface and demanded satisfaction. From that evening she seemed tohave forgotten all that had happened to her. She no longercomplained of her position, did not say a word about the past, andno longer feared to make happy plans for the future. She spokelittle of Pierre, but when Princess Mary mentioned him along-extinguished light once more kindled in her eyes and her lipscurved with a strange smile.

　　The change that took place in Natasha at first surprised PrincessMary; but when she understood its meaning it grieved her. "Can shehave loved my brother so little as to be able to forget him sosoon?" she thought when she reflected on the change. But when shewas with Natasha she was not vexed with her and did not reproachher. The reawakened power of life that had seized Natasha was soevidently irrepressible and unexpected by her that in her presencePrincess Mary felt that she had no right to reproach her even in herheart.

　　Natasha gave herself up so fully and frankly to this new feelingthat she did not try to hide the fact that she was no longer sad,but bright and cheerful.

　　When Princess Mary returned to her room after her nocturnal talkwith Pierre, Natasha met her on the threshold.

　　"He has spoken? Yes? He has spoken?" she repeated.

　　And a joyful yet pathetic expression which seemed to beg forgivenessfor her joy settled on Natasha's face.

　　"I wanted to listen at the door, but I knew you would tell me."

　　Understandable and touching as the look with which Natasha gazedat her seemed to Princess Mary, and sorry as she was to see heragitation, these words pained her for a moment. She remembered herbrother and his love.

　　"But what's to be done? She can't help it," thought the princess.

　　And with a sad and rather stern look she told Natasha all thatPierre had said. On hearing that he was going to Petersburg Natashawas astounded.

　　"To Petersburg!" she repeated as if unable to understand.

　　But noticing the grieved expression on Princess Mary's face sheguessed the reason of that sadness and suddenly began to cry.

　　"Mary," said she, "tell me what I should do! I am afraid of beingbad. Whatever you tell me, I will do. Tell me...."

　　"You love him?"

　　"Yes," whispered Natasha.

　　"Then why are you crying? I am happy for your sake," said PrincessMary, who because of those tears quite forgave Natasha's joy.

　　"It won't be just yet- someday. Think what fun it will be when Iam his wife and you marry Nicholas!"

　　"Natasha, I have asked you not to speak of that. Let us talk aboutyou."

　　They were silent awhile.

　　"But why go to Petersburg?" Natasha suddenly asked, and hastilyreplied to her own question. "But no, no, he must... Yes, Mary, Hemust...."