Book Fifteen: 1812-13 - Chapter XVI

by Leo Tolstoy

　　"She has come to stay with me," said Princess Mary. "The count andcountess will be here in a few days. The countess is in a dreadfulstate; but it was necessary for Natasha herself to see a doctor.They insisted on her coming with me."

　　"Yes, is there a family free from sorrow now?" said Pierre,addressing Natasha. "You know it happened the very day we wererescued. I saw him. What a delightful boy he was!"

　　Natasha looked at him, and by way of answer to his words her eyeswidened and lit up.

　　"What can one say or think of as a consolation?" said Pierre."Nothing! Why had such a splendid boy, so full of life, to die?"

　　"Yes, in these days it would be hard to live without faith..."remarked Princess Mary.

　　"Yes, yes, that is really true," Pierre hastily interrupted her.

　　"Why is it true?" Natasha asked, looking attentively into Pierre'seyes.

　　"How can you ask why?" said Princess Mary. "The thought alone ofwhat awaits..."

　　Natasha without waiting for Princess Mary to finish again lookedinquiringly at Pierre.

　　"And because," Pierre continued, "only one who believes that thereis a God ruling us can bear a loss such as hers and... yours."

　　Natasha had already opened her mouth to speak but suddenlystopped. Pierre hurriedly turned away from her and again addressedPrincess Mary, asking about his friend's last days.

　　Pierre's confusion had now almost vanished, but at the same timehe felt that his freedom had also completely gone. He felt thatthere was now a judge of his every word and action whose judgmentmattered more to him than that of all the rest of the world. As hespoke now he was considering what impression his words would make onNatasha. He did not purposely say things to please her, but whateverhe was saying he regarded from her standpoint.

　　Princess Mary- reluctantly as is usual in such cases- begantelling of the condition in which she had found Prince Andrew. ButPierre's face quivering with emotion, his questions and his eagerrestless expression, gradually compelled her to go into detailswhich she feared to recall for her own sake.

　　"Yes, yes, and so...? " Pierre kept saying as he leaned toward herwith his whole body and eagerly listened to her story. "Yes, yes... sohe grew tranquil and softened? With all his soul he had alwayssought one thing- to be perfectly good- so he could not be afraid ofdeath. The faults he had- if he had any- were not of his making. So hedid soften?... What a happy thing that he saw you again," he added,suddenly turning to Natasha and looking at her with eyes full oftears.

　　Natasha's face twitched. She frowned and lowered her eyes for amoment. She hesitated for an instant whether to speak or not.

　　"Yes, that was happiness," she then said in her quiet voice with itsdeep chest notes. "For me it certainly was happiness." She paused."And he... he... he said he was wishing for it at the very moment Ientered the room...."

　　Natasha's voice broke. She blushed, pressed her clasped hands on herknees, and then controlling herself with an evident effort liftedher head and began to speak rapidly.

　　"We knew nothing of it when we started from Moscow. I did not dareto ask about him. Then suddenly Sonya told me he was traveling withus. I had no idea and could not imagine what state he was in, all Iwanted was to see him and be with him," she said, trembling, andbreathing quickly.

　　And not letting them interrupt her she went on to tell what shehad never yet mentioned to anyone- all she had lived through duringthose three weeks of their journey and life at Yaroslavl.

　　Pierre listened to her with lips parted and eyes fixed upon her fullof tears. As he listened he did not think of Prince Andrew, nor ofdeath, nor of what she was telling. He listened to her and felt onlypity for her, for what she was suffering now while she was speaking.

　　Princess Mary, frowning in her effort to hold back her tears, satbeside Natasha, and heard for the first time the story of those lastdays of her brother's and Natasha's love.

　　Evidently Natasha needed to tell that painful yet joyful tale.

　　She spoke, mingling most trifling details with the intimatesecrets of her soul, and it seemed as if she could never finish.Several times she repeated the same thing twice.

　　Dessalles' voice was heard outside the door asking whether littleNicholas might come in to say good night.

　　"Well, that's all- everything," said Natasha.

　　She got up quickly just as Nicholas entered, almost ran to thedoor which was hidden by curtains, struck her head against it, andrushed from the room with a moan either of pain or sorrow.

　　Pierre gazed at the door through which she had disappeared and didnot understand why he suddenly felt all alone in the world.

　　Princess Mary roused him from his abstraction by drawing hisattention to her nephew who had entered the room.

　　At that moment of emotional tenderness young Nicholas' face, whichresembled his father's, affected Pierre so much that when he hadkissed the boy he got up quickly, took out his handkerchief, andwent to the window. He wished to take leave of Princess Mary, butshe would not let him go.

　　"No, Natasha and I sometimes don't go to sleep till after two, soplease don't go. I will order supper. Go downstairs, we will comeimmediately."

　　Before Pierre left the room Princess Mary told him: "This is thefirst time she has talked of him like that."