Chapter LXXV

by William Somerset Maugham

　　Next day Philip was in a good temper. He was very anxious not to boreMildred with too much of his society, and so had arranged that he shouldnot see her till dinner-time. She was ready when he fetched her, and hechaffed her for her unwonted punctuality. She was wearing a new dress hehad given her. He remarked on its smartness."It'll have to go back and be altered," she said. "The skirt hangs allwrong.""You'll have to make the dressmaker hurry up if you want to take it toParis with you.""It'll be ready in time for that.""Only three more whole days. We'll go over by the eleven o'clock, shallwe?""If you like."He would have her for nearly a month entirely to himself. His eyes restedon her with hungry adoration. He was able to laugh a little at his ownpassion."I wonder what it is I see in you," he smiled."That's a nice thing to say," she answered.Her body was so thin that one could almost see her skeleton. Her chest wasas flat as a boy's. Her mouth, with its narrow pale lips, was ugly, andher skin was faintly green."I shall give you Blaud's Pills in quantities when we're away," saidPhilip, laughing. "I'm going to bring you back fat and rosy.""I don't want to get fat," she said.She did not speak of Griffiths, and presently while they were diningPhilip half in malice, for he felt sure of himself and his power over her,said:"It seems to me you were having a great flirtation with Harry last night?""I told you I was in love with him," she laughed."I'm glad to know that he's not in love with you.""How d'you know?""I asked him."She hesitated a moment, looking at Philip, and a curious gleam came intoher eyes."Would you like to read a letter I had from him this morning?"She handed him an envelope and Philip recognised Griffiths' bold, legiblewriting. There were eight pages. It was well written, frank and charming;it was the letter of a man who was used to making love to women. He toldMildred that he loved her passionately, he had fallen in love with her thefirst moment he saw her; he did not want to love her, for he knew how fondPhilip was of her, but he could not help himself. Philip was such a dear,and he was very much ashamed of himself, but it was not his fault, he wasjust carried away. He paid her delightful compliments. Finally he thankedher for consenting to lunch with him next day and said he was dreadfullyimpatient to see her. Philip noticed that the letter was dated the nightbefore; Griffiths must have written it after leaving Philip, and had takenthe trouble to go out and post it when Philip thought he was in bed.He read it with a sickening palpitation of his heart, but gave no outwardsign of surprise. He handed it back to Mildred with a smile, calmly."Did you enjoy your lunch?""Rather," she said emphatically.He felt that his hands were trembling, so he put them under the table."You mustn't take Griffiths too seriously. He's just a butterfly, youknow."She took the letter and looked at it again."I can't help it either," she said, in a voice which she tried to makenonchalant. "I don't know what's come over me.""It's a little awkward for me, isn't it?" said Philip.She gave him a quick look."You're taking it pretty calmly, I must say.""What do you expect me to do? Do you want me to tear out my hair inhandfuls?""I knew you'd be angry with me.""The funny thing is, I'm not at all. I ought to have known this wouldhappen. I was a fool to bring you together. I know perfectly well thathe's got every advantage over me; he's much jollier, and he's veryhandsome, he's more amusing, he can talk to you about the things thatinterest you.""I don't know what you mean by that. If I'm not clever I can't help it,but I'm not the fool you think I am, not by a long way, I can tell you.You're a bit too superior for me, my young friend.""D'you want to quarrel with me?" he asked mildly."No, but I don't see why you should treat me as if I was I don't knowwhat.""I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. I just wanted to talk things overquietly. We don't want to make a mess of them if we can help it. I saw youwere attracted by him and it seemed to me very natural. The only thingthat really hurts me is that he should have encouraged you. He knew howawfully keen I was on you. I think it's rather shabby of him to havewritten that letter to you five minutes after he told me he didn't caretwopence about you.""If you think you're going to make me like him any the less by sayingnasty things about him, you're mistaken."Philip was silent for a moment. He did not know what words he could use tomake her see his point of view. He wanted to speak coolly anddeliberately, but he was in such a turmoil of emotion that he could notclear his thoughts."It's not worth while sacrificing everything for an infatuation that youknow can't last. After all, he doesn't care for anyone more than ten days,and you're rather cold; that sort of thing doesn't mean very much to you.""That's what you think."She made it more difficult for him by adopting a cantankerous tone."If you're in love with him you can't help it. I'll just bear it as bestI can. We get on very well together, you and I, and I've not behaved badlyto you, have I? I've always known that you're not in love with me, but youlike me all right, and when we get over to Paris you'll forget aboutGriffiths. If you make up your mind to put him out of your thoughts youwon't find it so hard as all that, and I've deserved that you should dosomething for me."She did not answer, and they went on eating their dinner. When the silencegrew oppressive Philip began to talk of indifferent things. He pretendednot to notice that Mildred was inattentive. Her answers were perfunctory,and she volunteered no remarks of her own. At last she interruptedabruptly what he was saying:"Philip, I'm afraid I shan't be able to go away on Saturday. The doctorsays I oughtn't to."He knew this was not true, but he answered:"When will you be able to come away?"She glanced at him, saw that his face was white and rigid, and lookednervously away. She was at that moment a little afraid of him."I may as well tell you and have done with it, I can't come away with youat all.""I thought you were driving at that. It's too late to change your mindnow. I've got the tickets and everything.""You said you didn't wish me to go unless I wanted it too, and I don't.""I've changed my mind. I'm not going to have any more tricks played withme. You must come.""I like you very much, Philip, as a friend. But I can't bear to think ofanything else. I don't like you that way. I couldn't, Philip.""You were quite willing to a week ago.""It was different then.""You hadn't met Griffiths?""You said yourself I couldn't help it if I'm in love with him."Her face was set into a sulky look, and she kept her eyes fixed on herplate. Philip was white with rage. He would have liked to hit her in theface with his clenched fist, and in fancy he saw how she would look witha black eye. There were two lads of eighteen dining at a table near them,and now and then they looked at Mildred; he wondered if they envied himdining with a pretty girl; perhaps they were wishing they stood in hisshoes. It was Mildred who broke the silence."What's the good of our going away together? I'd be thinking of him allthe time. It wouldn't be much fun for you.""That's my business," he answered.She thought over all his reply implicated, and she reddened."But that's just beastly.""What of it?""I thought you were a gentleman in every sense of the word.""You were mistaken."His reply entertained him, and he laughed as he said it."For God's sake don't laugh," she cried. "I can't come away with you,Philip. I'm awfully sorry. I know I haven't behaved well to you, but onecan't force themselves.""Have you forgotten that when you were in trouble I did everything foryou? I planked out the money to keep you till your baby was born, I paidfor your doctor and everything, I paid for you to go to Brighton, and I'mpaying for the keep of your baby, I'm paying for your clothes, I'm payingfor every stitch you've got on now.""If you was a gentleman you wouldn't throw what you've done for me in myface.""Oh, for goodness' sake, shut up. What d'you suppose I care if I'm agentleman or not? If I were a gentleman I shouldn't waste my time with avulgar slut like you. I don't care a damn if you like me or not. I'm sickof being made a blasted fool of. You're jolly well coming to Paris with meon Saturday or you can take the consequences."Her cheeks were red with anger, and when she answered her voice had thehard commonness which she concealed generally by a genteel enunciation."I never liked you, not from the beginning, but you forced yourself on me,I always hated it when you kissed me. I wouldn't let you touch me now notif I was starving."Philip tried to swallow the food on his plate, but the muscles of histhroat refused to act. He gulped down something to drink and lit acigarette. He was trembling in every part. He did not speak. He waited forher to move, but she sat in silence, staring at the white tablecloth. Ifthey had been alone he would have flung his arms round her and kissed herpassionately; he fancied the throwing back of her long white throat as hepressed upon her mouth with his lips. They passed an hour withoutspeaking, and at last Philip thought the waiter began to stare at themcuriously. He called for the bill."Shall we go?" he said then, in an even tone.She did not reply, but gathered together her bag and her gloves. She puton her coat."When are you seeing Griffiths again?""Tomorrow," she answered indifferently."You'd better talk it over with him."She opened her bag mechanically and saw a piece of paper in it. She tookit out."Here's the bill for this dress," she said hesitatingly."What of it?""I promised I'd give her the money tomorrow.""Did you?""Does that mean you won't pay for it after having told me I could get it?""It does.""I'll ask Harry," she said, flushing quickly."He'll be glad to help you. He owes me seven pounds at the moment, and hepawned his microscope last week, because he was so broke.""You needn't think you can frighten me by that. I'm quite capable ofearning my own living.""It's the best thing you can do. I don't propose to give you a farthingmore."She thought of her rent due on Saturday and the baby's keep, but did notsay anything. They left the restaurant, and in the street Philip askedher:"Shall I call a cab for you? I'm going to take a little stroll.""I haven't got any money. I had to pay a bill this afternoon.""It won't hurt you to walk. If you want to see me tomorrow I shall be inabout tea-time."He took off his hat and sauntered away. He looked round in a moment andsaw that she was standing helplessly where he had left her, looking at thetraffic. He went back and with a laugh pressed a coin into her hand."Here's two bob for you to get home with."Before she could speak he hurried away.