Chapter 2

by Charles Dickens

　　Of Mr Ralph Nickleby, and his Establishments, and his Undertakings,and of a great Joint Stock Company of vast national ImportanceMr Ralph Nickleby was not, strictly speaking, what you would call amerchant, neither was he a banker, nor an attorney, nor a specialpleader, nor a notary. He was certainly not a tradesman, and stillless could he lay any claim to the title of a professionalgentleman; for it would have been impossible to mention anyrecognised profession to which he belonged. Nevertheless, as helived in a spacious house in Golden Square, which, in addition to abrass plate upon the street-door, had another brass plate two sizesand a half smaller upon the left hand door-post, surrounding a brassmodel of an infant's fist grasping a fragment of a skewer, anddisplaying the word 'Office,' it was clear that Mr Ralph Nicklebydid, or pretended to do, business of some kind; and the fact, if itrequired any further circumstantial evidence, was abundantlydemonstrated by the diurnal attendance, between the hours of half-past nine and five, of a sallow-faced man in rusty brown, who satupon an uncommonly hard stool in a species of butler's pantry at theend of the passage, and always had a pen behind his ear when heanswered the bell.Although a few members of the graver professions live about GoldenSquare, it is not exactly in anybody's way to or from anywhere. Itis one of the squares that have been; a quarter of the town that hasgone down in the world, and taken to letting lodgings. Many of itsfirst and second floors are let, furnished, to single gentlemen; andit takes boarders besides. It is a great resort of foreigners. Thedark-complexioned men who wear large rings, and heavy watch-guards,and bushy whiskers, and who congregate under the Opera Colonnade,and about the box-office in the season, between four and five in theafternoon, when they give away the orders,--all live in GoldenSquare, or within a street of it. Two or three violins and a windinstrument from the Opera band reside within its precincts. Itsboarding-houses are musical, and the notes of pianos and harps floatin the evening time round the head of the mournful statue, theguardian genius of a little wilderness of shrubs, in the centre ofthe square. On a summer's night, windows are thrown open, andgroups of swarthy moustached men are seen by the passer-by, loungingat the casements, and smoking fearfully. Sounds of gruff voicespractising vocal music invade the evening's silence; and the fumesof choice tobacco scent the air. There, snuff and cigars, andGerman pipes and flutes, and violins and violoncellos, divide thesupremacy between them. It is the region of song and smoke. Streetbands are on their mettle in Golden Square; and itinerant glee-singers quaver involuntarily as they raise their voices within itsboundaries.This would not seem a spot very well adapted to the transaction ofbusiness; but Mr Ralph Nickleby had lived there, notwithstanding,for many years, and uttered no complaint on that score. He knewnobody round about, and nobody knew him, although he enjoyed thereputation of being immensely rich. The tradesmen held that he wasa sort of lawyer, and the other neighbours opined that he was a kindof general agent; both of which guesses were as correct and definiteas guesses about other people's affairs usually are, or need to be.Mr Ralph Nickleby sat in his private office one morning, readydressed to walk abroad. He wore a bottle-green spencer over a bluecoat; a white waistcoat, grey mixture pantaloons, and Wellingtonboots drawn over them. The corner of a small-plaited shirt-frillstruggled out, as if insisting to show itself, from between his chinand the top button of his spencer; and the latter garment was notmade low enough to conceal a long gold watch-chain, composed of aseries of plain rings, which had its beginning at the handle of agold repeater in Mr Nickleby's pocket, and its termination in twolittle keys: one belonging to the watch itself, and the other tosome patent padlock. He wore a sprinkling of powder upon his head,as if to make himself look benevolent; but if that were his purpose,he would perhaps have done better to powder his countenance also,for there was something in its very wrinkles, and in his coldrestless eye, which seemed to tell of cunning that would announceitself in spite of him. However this might be, there he was; and ashe was all alone, neither the powder, nor the wrinkles, nor theeyes, had the smallest effect, good or bad, upon anybody just then,and are consequently no business of ours just now.Mr Nickleby closed an account-book which lay on his desk, and,throwing himself back in his chair, gazed with an air of abstractionthrough the dirty window. Some London houses have a melancholylittle plot of ground behind them, usually fenced in by four highwhitewashed walls, and frowned upon by stacks of chimneys: in whichthere withers on, from year to year, a crippled tree, that makes ashow of putting forth a few leaves late in autumn when other treesshed theirs, and, drooping in the effort, lingers on, all crackledand smoke-dried, till the following season, when it repeats the sameprocess, and perhaps, if the weather be particularly genial, eventempts some rheumatic sparrow to chirrup in its branches. Peoplesometimes call these dark yards 'gardens'; it is not supposed thatthey were ever planted, but rather that they are pieces ofunreclaimed land, with the withered vegetation of the originalbrick-field. No man thinks of walking in this desolate place, or ofturning it to any account. A few hampers, half-a-dozen brokenbottles, and such-like rubbish, may be thrown there, when the tenantfirst moves in, but nothing more; and there they remain until hegoes away again: the damp straw taking just as long to moulder as itthinks proper: and mingling with the scanty box, and stuntedeverbrowns, and broken flower-pots, that are scattered mournfullyabout--a prey to 'blacks' and dirt.It was into a place of this kind that Mr Ralph Nickleby gazed, as hesat with his hands in his pockets looking out of the window. He hadfixed his eyes upon a distorted fir tree, planted by some formertenant in a tub that had once been green, and left there, yearsbefore, to rot away piecemeal. There was nothing very inviting inthe object, but Mr Nickleby was wrapt in a brown study, and satcontemplating it with far greater attention than, in a moreconscious mood, he would have deigned to bestow upon the rarestexotic. At length, his eyes wandered to a little dirty window onthe left, through which the face of the clerk was dimly visible;that worthy chancing to look up, he beckoned him to attend.In obedience to this summons the clerk got off the high stool (towhich he had communicated a high polish by countless gettings offand on), and presented himself in Mr Nickleby's room. He was a tallman of middle age, with two goggle eyes whereof one was a fixture, arubicund nose, a cadaverous face, and a suit of clothes (if the termbe allowable when they suited him not at all) much the worse forwear, very much too small, and placed upon such a short allowance ofbuttons that it was marvellous how he contrived to keep them on.'Was that half-past twelve, Noggs?' said Mr Nickleby, in a sharp andgrating voice.'Not more than five-and-twenty minutes by the--' Noggs was going toadd public-house clock, but recollecting himself, substituted'regular time.''My watch has stopped,' said Mr Nickleby; 'I don't know from whatcause.''Not wound up,' said Noggs.'Yes it is,' said Mr Nickleby.'Over-wound then,' rejoined Noggs.'That can't very well be,' observed Mr Nickleby.'Must be,' said Noggs.'Well!' said Mr Nickleby, putting the repeater back in his pocket;'perhaps it is.'Noggs gave a peculiar grunt, as was his custom at the end of alldisputes with his master, to imply that he (Noggs) triumphed; and(as he rarely spoke to anybody unless somebody spoke to him) fellinto a grim silence, and rubbed his hands slowly over each other:cracking the joints of his fingers, and squeezing them into allpossible distortions. The incessant performance of this routine onevery occasion, and the communication of a fixed and rigid look tohis unaffected eye, so as to make it uniform with the other, and torender it impossible for anybody to determine where or at what hewas looking, were two among the numerous peculiarities of Mr Noggs,which struck an inexperienced observer at first sight.'I am going to the London Tavern this morning,' said Mr Nickleby.'Public meeting?' inquired Noggs.Mr Nickleby nodded. 'I expect a letter from the solicitorrespecting that mortgage of Ruddle's. If it comes at all, it willbe here by the two o'clock delivery. I shall leave the city aboutthat time and walk to Charing Cross on the left-hand side of theway; if there are any letters, come and meet me, and bring them withyou.'Noggs nodded; and as he nodded, there came a ring at the officebell. The master looked up from his papers, and the clerk calmlyremained in a stationary position.'The bell,' said Noggs, as though in explanation. 'At home?''Yes.''To anybody?''Yes.''To the tax-gatherer?''No! Let him call again.'Noggs gave vent to his usual grunt, as much as to say 'I thoughtso!' and, the ring being repeated, went to the door, whence hepresently returned, ushering in, by the name of Mr Bonney, a palegentleman in a violent hurry, who, with his hair standing up ingreat disorder all over his head, and a very narrow white cravattied loosely round his throat, looked as if he had been knocked upin the night and had not dressed himself since.'My dear Nickleby,' said the gentleman, taking off a white hat whichwas so full of papers that it would scarcely stick upon his head,'there's not a moment to lose; I have a cab at the door. SirMatthew Pupker takes the chair, and three members of Parliament arepositively coming. I have seen two of them safely out of bed. Thethird, who was at Crockford's all night, has just gone home to put aclean shirt on, and take a bottle or two of soda water, and willcertainly be with us, in time to address the meeting. He is alittle excited by last night, but never mind that; he always speaksthe stronger for it.''It seems to promise pretty well,' said Mr Ralph Nickleby, whosedeliberate manner was strongly opposed to the vivacity of the otherman of business.'Pretty well!' echoed Mr Bonney. 'It's the finest idea that wasever started. "United Metropolitan Improved Hot Muffin and CrumpetBaking and Punctual Delivery Company. Capital, five millions, infive hundred thousand shares of ten pounds each." Why the very namewill get the shares up to a premium in ten days.''And when they are at a premium,' said Mr Ralph Nickleby, smiling.'When they are, you know what to do with them as well as any manalive, and how to back quietly out at the right time,' said MrBonney, slapping the capitalist familiarly on the shoulder. 'By-the-bye, what a very remarkable man that clerk of yours is.''Yes, poor devil!' replied Ralph, drawing on his gloves. 'ThoughNewman Noggs kept his horses and hounds once.''Ay, ay?' said the other carelessly.'Yes,' continued Ralph, 'and not many years ago either; but hesquandered his money, invested it anyhow, borrowed at interest, andin short made first a thorough fool of himself, and then a beggar.He took to drinking, and had a touch of paralysis, and then camehere to borrow a pound, as in his better days I had--''Done business with him,' said Mr Bonney with a meaning look.'Just so,' replied Ralph; 'I couldn't lend it, you know.''Oh, of course not.''But as I wanted a clerk just then, to open the door and so forth, Itook him out of charity, and he has remained with me ever since. Heis a little mad, I think,' said Mr Nickleby, calling up a charitablelook, 'but he is useful enough, poor creature--useful enough.'The kind-hearted gentleman omitted to add that Newman Noggs, beingutterly destitute, served him for rather less than the usual wagesof a boy of thirteen; and likewise failed to mention in his hastychronicle, that his eccentric taciturnity rendered him an especiallyvaluable person in a place where much business was done, of which itwas desirable no mention should be made out of doors. The othergentleman was plainly impatient to be gone, however, and as theyhurried into the hackney cabriolet immediately afterwards, perhapsMr Nickleby forgot to mention circumstances so unimportant.There was a great bustle in Bishopsgate Street Within, as they drewup, and (it being a windy day) half-a-dozen men were tacking acrossthe road under a press of paper, bearing gigantic announcements thata Public Meeting would be holden at one o'clock precisely, to takeinto consideration the propriety of petitioning Parliament in favourof the United Metropolitan Improved Hot Muffin and Crumpet Bakingand Punctual Delivery Company, capital five millions, in fivehundred thousand shares of ten pounds each; which sums were duly setforth in fat black figures of considerable size. Mr Bonney elbowedhis way briskly upstairs, receiving in his progress many low bowsfrom the waiters who stood on the landings to show the way; and,followed by Mr Nickleby, dived into a suite of apartments behind thegreat public room: in the second of which was a business-lookingtable, and several business-looking people.'Hear!' cried a gentleman with a double chin, as Mr Bonney presentedhimself. 'Chair, gentlemen, chair!'The new-comers were received with universal approbation, and MrBonney bustled up to the top of the table, took off his hat, ran hisfingers through his hair, and knocked a hackney-coachman's knock onthe table with a little hammer: whereat several gentlemen cried'Hear!' and nodded slightly to each other, as much as to say whatspirited conduct that was. Just at this moment, a waiter, feverishwith agitation, tore into the room, and throwing the door open witha crash, shouted 'Sir Matthew Pupker!'The committee stood up and clapped their hands for joy, and whilethey were clapping them, in came Sir Matthew Pupker, attended by twolive members of Parliament, one Irish and one Scotch, all smilingand bowing, and looking so pleasant that it seemed a perfect marvelhow any man could have the heart to vote against them. Sir MatthewPupker especially, who had a little round head with a flaxen wig onthe top of it, fell into such a paroxysm of bows, that the wigthreatened to be jerked off, every instant. When these symptoms hadin some degree subsided, the gentlemen who were on speaking termswith Sir Matthew Pupker, or the two other members, crowded roundthem in three little groups, near one or other of which thegentlemen who were not on speaking terms with Sir Matthew Pupker orthe two other members, stood lingering, and smiling, and rubbingtheir hands, in the desperate hope of something turning up whichmight bring them into notice. All this time, Sir Matthew Pupker andthe two other members were relating to their separate circles whatthe intentions of government were, about taking up the bill; with afull account of what the government had said in a whisper the lasttime they dined with it, and how the government had been observed towink when it said so; from which premises they were at no loss todraw the conclusion, that if the government had one object more atheart than another, that one object was the welfare and advantage ofthe United Metropolitan Improved Hot Muffin and Crumpet Baking andPunctual Delivery Company.Meanwhile, and pending the arrangement of the proceedings, and afair division of the speechifying, the public in the large room wereeyeing, by turns, the empty platform, and the ladies in the MusicGallery. In these amusements the greater portion of them had beenoccupied for a couple of hours before, and as the most agreeablediversions pall upon the taste on a too protracted enjoyment ofthem, the sterner spirits now began to hammer the floor with theirboot-heels, and to express their dissatisfaction by various hootsand cries. These vocal exertions, emanating from the people who hadbeen there longest, naturally proceeded from those who were nearestto the platform and furthest from the policemen in attendance, whohaving no great mind to fight their way through the crowd, butentertaining nevertheless a praiseworthy desire to do something toquell the disturbance, immediately began to drag forth, by the coattails and collars, all the quiet people near the door; at the sametime dealing out various smart and tingling blows with theirtruncheons, after the manner of that ingenious actor, Mr Punch:whose brilliant example, both in the fashion of his weapons andtheir use, this branch of the executive occasionally follows.Several very exciting skirmishes were in progress, when a loud shoutattracted the attention even of the belligerents, and then therepoured on to the platform, from a door at the side, a long line ofgentlemen with their hats off, all looking behind them, and utteringvociferous cheers; the cause whereof was sufficiently explained whenSir Matthew Pupker and the two other real members of Parliament cameto the front, amidst deafening shouts, and testified to each otherin dumb motions that they had never seen such a glorious sight asthat, in the whole course of thier public career.At length, and at last, the assembly left off shouting, but SirMatthew Pupker being voted into the chair, they underwent a relapsewhich lasted five minutes. This over, Sir Matthew Pupker went on tosay what must be his feelings on that great occasion, and what mustbe that occasion in the eyes of the world, and what must be theintelligence of his fellow-countrymen before him, and what must bethe wealth and respectability of his honourable friends behind him,and lastly, what must be the importance to the wealth, thehappiness, the comfort, the liberty, the very existence of a freeand great people, of such an Institution as the United MetropolitanImproved Hot Muffin and Crumpet Baking and Punctual DeliveryCompany!Mr Bonney then presented himself to move the first resolution; andhaving run his right hand through his hair, and planted his left, inan easy manner, in his ribs, he consigned his hat to the care of thegentleman with the double chin (who acted as a species of bottle-holder to the orators generally), and said he would read to them thefirst resolution--'That this meeting views with alarm andapprehension, the existing state of the Muffin Trade in thisMetropolis and its neighbourhood; that it considers the Muffin Boys,as at present constituted, wholly underserving the confidence of thepublic; and that it deems the whole Muffin system alike prejudicialto the health and morals of the people, and subversive of the bestinterests of a great commercial and mercantile community.' Thehonourable gentleman made a speech which drew tears from the eyes ofthe ladies, and awakened the liveliest emotions in every individualpresent. He had visited the houses of the poor in the variousdistricts of London, and had found them destitute of the slightestvestige of a muffin, which there appeared too much reason to believesome of these indigent persons did not taste from year's end toyear's end. He had found that among muffin-sellers there existeddrunkenness, debauchery, and profligacy, which he attributed to thedebasing nature of their employment as at present exercised; he hadfound the same vices among the poorer class of people who ought tobe muffin consumers; and this he attributed to the despairengendered by their being placed beyond the reach of that nutritiousarticle, which drove them to seek a false stimulant in intoxicatingliquors. He would undertake to prove before a committee of theHouse of Commons, that there existed a combination to keep up theprice of muffins, and to give the bellmen a monopoly; he would proveit by bellmen at the bar of that House; and he would also prove,that these men corresponded with each other by secret words andsigns as 'Snooks,' 'Walker,' 'Ferguson,' 'Is Murphy right?' and manyothers. It was this melancholy state of things that the Companyproposed to correct; firstly, by prohibiting, under heavy penalties,all private muffin trading of every description; secondly, bythemselves supplying the public generally, and the poor at their ownhomes, with muffins of first quality at reduced prices. It was withthis object that a bill had been introduced into Parliament by theirpatriotic chairman Sir Matthew Pupker; it was this bill that theyhad met to support; it was the supporters of this bill who wouldconfer undying brightness and splendour upon England, under the nameof the United Metropolitan Improved Hot Muffin and Crumpet Bakingand Punctual Delivery Company; he would add, with a capital of FiveMillions, in five hundred thousand shares of ten pounds each.Mr Ralph Nickleby seconded the resolution, and another gentlemanhaving moved that it be amended by the insertion of the words 'andcrumpet' after the word 'muffin,' whenever it occurred, it wascarried triumphantly. Only one man in the crowd cried 'No!' and hewas promptly taken into custody, and straightway borne off.The second resolution, which recognised the expediency ofimmediately abolishing 'all muffin (or crumpet) sellers, all tradersin muffins (or crumpets) of whatsoever description, whether male orfemale, boys or men, ringing hand-bells or otherwise,' was moved bya grievous gentleman of semi-clerical appearance, who went at onceinto such deep pathetics, that he knocked the first speaker cleanout of the course in no time. You might have heard a pin fall--apin! a feather--as he described the cruelties inflicted on muffinboys by their masters, which he very wisely urged were in themselvesa sufficient reason for the establishment of that inestimablecompany. It seemed that the unhappy youths were nightly turned outinto the wet streets at the most inclement periods of the year, towander about, in darkness and rain--or it might be hail or snow--forhours together, without shelter, food, or warmth; and let the publicnever forget upon the latter point, that while the muffins wereprovided with warm clothing and blankets, the boys were whollyunprovided for, and left to their own miserable resources. (Shame!)The honourable gentleman related one case of a muffin boy, whohaving been exposed to this inhuman and barbarous system for no lessthan five years, at length fell a victim to a cold in the head,beneath which he gradually sunk until he fell into a perspirationand recovered; this he could vouch for, on his own authority, but hehad heard (and he had no reason to doubt the fact) of a still moreheart-rending and appalling circumstance. He had heard of the caseof an orphan muffin boy, who, having been run over by a hackneycarriage, had been removed to the hospital, had undergone theamputation of his leg below the knee, and was now actually pursuinghis occupation on crutches. Fountain of justice, were these thingsto last!This was the department of the subject that took the meeting, andthis was the style of speaking to enlist their sympathies. The menshouted; the ladies wept into their pocket-handkerchiefs till theywere moist, and waved them till they were dry; the excitement wastremendous; and Mr Nickleby whispered his friend that the shareswere thenceforth at a premium of five-and-twenty per cent.The resolution was, of course, carried with loud acclamations, everyman holding up both hands in favour of it, as he would in hisenthusiasm have held up both legs also, if he could haveconveniently accomplished it. This done, the draft of the proposedpetition was read at length: and the petition said, as all petitionsdo say, that the petitioners were very humble, and the petitionedvery honourable, and the object very virtuous; therefore (said thepetition) the bill ought to be passed into a law at once, to theeverlasting honour and glory of that most honourable and gloriousCommons of England in Parliament assembled.Then, the gentleman who had been at Crockford's all night, and wholooked something the worse about the eyes in consequence, cameforward to tell his fellow-countrymen what a speech he meant to makein favour of that petition whenever it should be presented, and howdesperately he meant to taunt the parliament if they rejected thebill; and to inform them also, that he regretted his honourablefriends had not inserted a clause rendering the purchase of muffinsand crumpets compulsory upon all classes of the community, which he--opposing all half-measures, and preferring to go the extremeanimal-- pledged himself to propose and divide upon, in committee.After announcing this determination, the honourable gentleman grewjocular; and as patent boots, lemon-coloured kid gloves, and a furcoat collar, assist jokes materially, there was immense laughter andmuch cheering, and moreover such a brilliant display of ladies'pocket-handkerchiefs, as threw the grievous gentleman quite into theshade.And when the petition had been read and was about to be adopted,there came forward the Irish member (who was a young gentleman ofardent temperament,) with such a speech as only an Irish member canmake, breathing the true soul and spirit of poetry, and poured forthwith such fervour, that it made one warm to look at him; in thecourse whereof, he told them how he would demand the extension ofthat great boon to his native country; how he would claim for herequal rights in the muffin laws as in all other laws; and how he yethoped to see the day when crumpets should be toasted in her lowlycabins, and muffin bells should ring in her rich green valleys.And, after him, came the Scotch member, with various pleasantallusions to the probable amount of profits, which increased thegood humour that the poetry had awakened; and all the speeches puttogether did exactly what they were intended to do, and establishedin the hearers' minds that there was no speculation so promising, orat the same time so praiseworthy, as the United MetropolitanImproved Hot Muffin and Crumpet Baking and Punctual DeliveryCompany.So, the petition in favour of the bill was agreed upon, and themeeting adjourned with acclamations, and Mr Nickleby and the otherdirectors went to the office to lunch, as they did every day athalf-past one o'clock; and to remunerate themselves for whichtrouble, (as the company was yet in its infancy,) they only chargedthree guineas each man for every such attendance.