My Wife

by Guy de Maupassant

It had been a stag dinner. These men still came together once in a whilewithout their wives as they had done when they were bachelors. Theywould eat for a long time, drink for a long time; they would talk ofeverything, stir up those old and joyful memories which bring a smile tothe lip and a tremor to the heart. One of them was saying: "Georges, doyou remember our excursion to Saint-Germain with those two little girlsfrom Montmartre?""I should say I do!"And a little detail here or there would be remembered, and all thesethings brought joy to the hearts.The conversation turned on marriage, and each one said with a sincereair: "Oh, if it were to do over again!" Georges Duportin added: "It'sstrange how easily one falls into it. You have fully decided never tomarry; and then, in the springtime, you go to the country; the weather iswarm; the summer is beautiful; the fields are full of flowers; you meet ayoung girl at some friend's house--crash! all is over. You returnmarried!"Pierre Letoile exclaimed: "Correct! that is exactly my case, only therewere some peculiar incidents--"His friend interrupted him: "As for you, you have no cause to complain.You have the most charming wife in the world, pretty, amiable, perfect!You are undoubtedly the happiest one of us all."The other one continued: "It's not my fault.""How so?""It is true that I have a perfect wife, but I certainly married her muchagainst my will.""Nonsense!""Yes--this is the adventure. I was thirty-five, and I had no more ideaof marrying than I had of hanging myself. Young girls seemed to me to beinane, and I loved pleasure."During the month of May I was invited to the wedding of my cousin, Simond'Erabel, in Normandy. It was a regular Normandy wedding. We sat downat the table at five o'clock in the evening and at eleven o'clock we werestill eating. I had been paired off, for the occasion, with aMademoiselle Dumoulin, daughter of a retired colonel, a young, blond,soldierly person, well formed, frank and talkative. She took completepossession of me for the whole day, dragged me into the park, made medance willy-nilly, bored me to death. I said to myself: 'That's all verywell for to-day, but tomorrow I'll get out. That's all there is to it!'"Toward eleven o'clock at night the women retired to their rooms; the menstayed, smoking while they drank or drinking while they smoked, whicheveryou will."Through the open window we could see the country folks dancing. Farmersand peasant girls were jumping about in a circle yelling at the top oftheir lungs a dance air which was feebly accompanied by two violins and aclarinet. The wild song of the peasants often completely drowned thesound of the instruments, and the weak music, interrupted by theunrestrained voices, seemed to come to us in little fragments ofscattered notes. Two enormous casks, surrounded by flaming torches,contained drinks for the crowd. Two men were kept busy rinsing theglasses or bowls in a bucket and immediately holding them under thespigots, from which flowed the red stream of wine or the golden stream ofpure cider; and the parched dancers, the old ones quietly, the girlspanting, came up, stretched out their arms and grasped some receptacle,threw back their heads and poured down their throats the drink which theypreferred. On a table were bread, butter, cheese and sausages. Each onewould step up from time to time and swallow a mouthful, and under thestarlit sky this healthy and violent exercise was a pleasing sight, andmade one also feel like drinking from these enormous casks and eating thecrisp bread and butter with a raw onion."A mad desire seized me to take part in this merrymaking, and I left mycompanions. I must admit that I was probably a little tipsy, but I wassoon entirely so."I grabbed the hand of a big, panting peasant woman and I jumped herabout until I was out of breath."Then I drank some wine and reached for another girl. In order torefresh myself afterward, I swallowed a bowlful of cider, and I began tobounce around as if possessed."I was very light on my feet. The boys, delighted, were watching me andtrying to imitate me; the girls all wished to dance with me, and jumpedabout heavily with the grace of cows."After each dance I drank a glass of wine or a glass of cider, and towardtwo o'clock in the morning I was so drunk that I could hardly stand up."I realized my condition and tried to reach my room. Everybody wasasleep and the house was silent and dark."I had no matches and everybody was in bed. As soon as I reached thevestibule I began to, feel dizzy. I had a lot of trouble to find thebanister. At last, by accident, my hand came in contact with it, and Isat down on the first step of the stairs in order to try to gather myscattered wits."My room was on the second floor; it was the third door to the left.Fortunately I had not forgotten that. Armed with this knowledge, Iarose, not without difficulty, and I began to ascend, step by step. Inmy hands I firmly gripped the iron railing in order not to fall, and tookgreat pains to make no noise."Only three or four times did my foot miss the steps, and I went down onmy knees; but thanks to the energy of my arms and the strength of mywill, I avoided falling completely."At last I reached the second floor and I set out in my journey along thehall, feeling my way by the walls. I felt one door; I counted: 'One';but a sudden dizziness made me lose my hold on the wall, make a strangeturn and fall up against the other wall. I wished to turn in a straightline: The crossing was long and full of hardships. At last I reached theshore, and, prudently, I began to travel along again until I met anotherdoor. In order to be sure to make no mistake, I again counted out loud:'Two.' I started out on my walk again. At last I found the third door.I said: 'Three, that's my room,' and I turned the knob. The door opened.Notwithstanding my befuddled state, I thought: 'Since the door opens,this must be home.' After softly closing the door, I stepped out in thedarkness. I bumped against something soft: my easy-chair. I immediatelystretched myself out on it."In my condition it would not have been wise to look for my bureau, mycandles, my matches. It would have taken me at least two hours. Itwould probably have taken me that long also to undress; and even then Imight not have succeeded. I gave it up."I only took my shoes off; I unbuttoned my waistcoat, which was chokingme, I loosened my trousers and went to sleep."This undoubtedly lasted for a long time. I was suddenly awakened by adeep voice which was saying: 'What, you lazy girl, still in bed? It'sten o'clock!'"A woman's voice answered: 'Already! I was so tired yesterday.'"In bewilderment I wondered what this dialogue meant. Where was I? Whathad I done? My mind was wandering, still surrounded by a heavy fog. Thefirst voice continued: 'I'm going to raise your curtains.'"I heard steps approaching me. Completely at a loss what to do, I satup. Then a hand was placed on my head. I started. The voice asked:'Who is there?' I took good care not to answer. A furious grasp seizedme. I in turn seized him, and a terrific struggle ensued. We wererolling around, knocking over the furniture and crashing against thewalls. A woman's voice was shrieking: 'Help! help!'"Servants, neighbors, frightened women crowded around us. The blindswere open and the shades drawn. I was struggling with Colonel Dumoulin"I had slept beside his daughter's bed!"When we were separated, I escaped to my room, dumbfounded. I lockedmyself in and sat down with my feet on a chair, for my shoes had beenleft in the young girl's room."I heard a great noise through the whole house, doors being opened andclosed, whisperings and rapid steps."After half an hour some one knocked on my door. I cried: 'Who isthere?' It was my uncle, the bridegroom's father. I opened the door:"He was pale and furious, and he treated me harshly: 'You have behavedlike a scoundrel in my house, do you hear?' Then he added more gently'But, you young fool, why 'the devil did you let yourself get caught atten o'clock in the morning? You go to sleep like a log in that room,instead of leaving immediately-immediately after.'"I exclaimed: 'But, uncle, I assure you that nothing occurred. I wasdrunk and got into the wrong room.'"He shrugged his shoulders! 'Don't talk nonsense.' I raised my hand,exclaiming: 'I swear to you on my honor.' My uncle continued: 'Yes,that's all right. It's your duty to say that.'"I in turn grew angry and told him the whole unfortunate occurrence. Helooked at me with a bewildered expression, not knowing what to believe.Then he went out to confer with the colonel."I heard that a kind of jury of the mothers had been formed, to whichwere submitted the different phases of the situation."He came back an hour later, sat down with the dignity of a judge andbegan: 'No matter what may be the situation, I can see only one way outof it for you; it is to marry Mademoiselle Dumoulin.'"I bounded out of the chair, crying: 'Never! never!'"Gravely he asked: 'Well, what do you expect to do?'"I answered simply: 'Why-leave as soon as my shoes are returned to me.'"My uncle continued: 'Please do not jest. The colonel has decided toblow your brains out as soon as he sees you. And you may be sure that hedoes not threaten idly. I spoke of a duel and he answered: "No, I tellyou that I will blow his brains out.""'Let us now examine the question from another point of view. Either youhave misbehaved yourself--and then so much the worse for you, my boy; oneshould not go near a young girl--or else, being drunk, as you say, youmade a mistake in the room. In this case, it's even worse for you. Youshouldn't get yourself into such foolish situations. Whatever you maysay, the poor girl's reputation is lost, for a drunkard's excuses arenever believed. The only real victim in the matter is the girl. Thinkit over.'"He went away, while I cried after him: 'Say what you will, I'll notmarry her!'"I stayed alone for another hour. Then my aunt came. She was crying.She used every argument. No one believed my story. They could notimagine that this young girl could have forgotten to lock her door in ahouse full of company. The colonel had struck her. She had been cryingthe whole morning. It was a terrible and unforgettable scandal. And mygood aunt added: 'Ask for her hand, anyhow. We may, perhaps, find someway out of it when we are drawing up the papers.'"This prospect relieved me. And I agreed to write my proposal. An hourlater I left for Paris. The following day I was informed that I had beenaccepted."Then, in three weeks, before I had been able to find any excuse, thebanns were published, the announcement sent out, the contract signed, andone Monday morning I found myself in a church, beside a weeping younggirl, after telling the magistrate that I consented to take her as mycompanion--for better, for worse."I had not seen her since my adventure, and I glanced at her out of thecorner of my eye with a certain malevolent surprise. However, she wasnot ugly--far from it. I said to myself: 'There is some one who won'tlaugh every day.'"She did not look at me once until, the evening, and she did not say asingle word."Toward the middle of the night I entered the bridal chamber with thefull intention of letting her know my resolutions, for I was now master.I found her sitting in an armchair, fully dressed, pale and with redeyes. As soon as I entered she rose and came slowly toward me saying:'Monsieur, I am ready to do whatever you may command. I will kill myselfif you so desire'"The colonel's daughter was as pretty as she could be in this heroicrole. I kissed her; it was my privilege."I soon saw that I had not got a bad bargain. I have now been marriedfive years. I do not regret it in the least."Pierre Letoile was silent. His companions were laughing. One of themsaid: "Marriage is indeed a lottery; you must never choose your numbers.The haphazard ones are the best."Another added by way of conclusion: "Yes, but do not forget that the godof drunkards chose for Pierre."

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