A Normandy Joke

by Guy de Maupassant

　　

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It was a wedding procession that was coming along the road between thetall trees that bounded the farms and cast their shadow on the road.At the head were the bride and groom, then the family, then the invitedguests, and last of all the poor of the neighborhood. The villageurchins who hovered about the narrow road like flies ran in and out ofthe ranks or climbed up the trees to see it better.The bridegroom was a good-looking young fellow, Jean Patu, the richestfarmer in the neighborhood, but he was above all things, an ardentsportsman who seemed to take leave of his senses in order to satisfy thatpassion, and who spent large sums on his dogs, his keepers, his ferretsand his guns. The bride, Rosalie Roussel, had been courted by all thelikely young fellows in the district, for they all thought her handsomeand they knew that she would have a good dowry. But she had chosen Patu;partly, perhaps, because she liked him better than she did the others,but still more, like a careful Normandy girl, because he had more crownpieces.As they entered the white gateway of the husband's farm, forty shotsresounded without their seeing those who fired, as they were hidden inthe ditches. The noise seemed to please the men, who were slouchingalong heavily in their best clothes, and Patu left his wife, and runningup to a farm servant whom he perceived behind a tree, took his gun andfired a shot himself, as frisky as a young colt. Then they went on,beneath the apple trees which were heavy with fruit, through the highgrass and through the midst of the calves, who looked at them with theirgreat eyes, got up slowly and remained standing, with their muzzlesturned toward the wedding party.The men became serious when they came within measurable distance of thewedding dinner. Some of them, the rich ones, had on tall, shining silkhats, which seemed altogether out of place there; others had old head-coverings with a long nap, which might have been taken for moleskin,while the humblest among them wore caps. All the women had on shawls,which they wore loosely on their back, holding the tips ceremoniouslyunder their arms. They were red, parti-colored, flaming shawls, andtheir brightness seemed to astonish the black fowls on the dung-heap, theducks on the side of the pond and the pigeons on the thatched roofs.The extensive farm buildings seemed to be waiting there at the end ofthat archway of apple trees, and a sort of vapor came out of open doorand windows and an almost overpowering odor of eatables was exhaled fromthe vast building, from all its openings and from its very walls. Thestring of guests extended through the yard; but when the foremost of themreached the house, they broke the chain and dispersed, while those behindwere still coming in at the open gate. The ditches were now lined withurchins and curious poor people, and the firing did not cease, but camefrom every side at once, and a cloud of smoke, and that odor which hasthe same intoxicating effect as absinthe, blended with the atmosphere.The women were shaking their dresses outside the door, to get rid of thedust, were undoing their cap-strings and pulling their shawls over theirarms, and then they went into the house to lay them aside altogether forthe time. The table was laid in the great kitchen that would hold ahundred persons; they sat down to dinner at two o'clock; and at eighto'clock they were still eating, and the men, in their shirt-sleeves, withtheir waistcoats unbuttoned and with red faces, were swallowing down thefood and drink as if they had been whirlpools. The cider sparkledmerrily, clear and golden in the large glasses, by the side of the dark,blood-colored wine, and between every dish they made a "hole," theNormandy hole, with a glass of brandy which inflamed the body and putfoolish notions into the head. Low jokes were exchanged across the tableuntil the whole arsenal of peasant wit was exhausted. For the lasthundred years the same broad stories had served for similar occasions,and, although every one knew them, they still hit the mark and made bothrows of guests roar with laughter.At one end of the table four young fellows, who were neighbors, werepreparing some practical jokes for the newly married couple, and theyseemed to have got hold of a good one by the way they whispered andlaughed, and suddenly one of them, profiting by a moment of silence,exclaimed: "The poachers will have a good time to-night, with this moon!I say, Jean, you will not be looking at the moon, will you?" Thebridegroom turned to him quickly and replied: "Only let them come, that'sall!" But the other young fellow began to laugh, and said: "I do notthink you will pay much attention to them!"The whole table was convulsed with laughter, so that the glasses shook,but the bridegroom became furious at the thought that anybody wouldprofit by his wedding to come and poach on his land, and repeated:"I only say-just let them come!"Then there was a flood of talk with a double meaning which made the brideblush somewhat, although she was trembling with expectation; and whenthey had emptied the kegs of brandy they all went to bed. The youngcouple went into their own room, which was on the ground floor, as mostrooms in farmhouses are. As it was very warm, they opened the window andclosed the shutters. A small lamp in bad taste, a present from thebride's father, was burning on the chest of drawers, and the bed stoodready to receive the young people.The young woman had already taken off her wreath and her dress, and shewas in her petticoat, unlacing her boots, while Jean was finishing hiscigar and looking at her out of the corners of his eyes. Suddenly, witha brusque movement, like a man who is about to set to work, he took offhis coat. She had already taken off her boots, and was now pulling offher stockings, and then she said to him: "Go and hide yourself behind thecurtains while I get into bed."He seemed as if he were about to refuse; but at last he did as she askedhim, and in a moment she unfastened her petticoat, which slipped down,fell at her feet and lay on the ground. She left it there, stepped overit in her loose chemise and slipped into the bed, whose springs creakedbeneath her weight. He immediately went up to the bed, and, stoopingover his wife, he sought her lips, which she hid beneath the pillow, whena shot was heard in the distance, in the direction of the forest ofRapees, as he thought.He raised himself anxiously, with his heart beating, and running to thewindow, he opened the shutters. The full moon flooded the yard withyellow light, and the reflection of the apple trees made black shadows attheir feet, while in the distance the fields gleamed, covered with theripe corn. But as he was leaning out, listening to every sound in thestill night, two bare arms were put round his neck, and his wifewhispered, trying to pull him back: "Do leave them alone; it has nothingto do with you. Come to bed."He turned round, put his arms round her, and drew her toward him, butjust as he was laying her on the 'bed, which yielded beneath her weight,they heard another report, considerably nearer this time, and Jean,giving way to his tumultuous rage, swore aloud: "Damn it! They willthink I do not go out and see what it is because of you! Wait, wait afew minutes!" He put on his shoes again, took down his gun, which wasalways hanging within reach against the wall, and, as his wife threwherself on her knees in her terror, imploring him not to go, he hastilyfreed himself, ran to the window and jumped into the yard.She waited one hour, two hours, until daybreak, but her husband did notreturn. Then she lost her head, aroused the house, related how angryJean was, and said that he had gone after the poachers, and immediatelyall the male farm-servants, even the boys, went in search of theirmaster. They found him two leagues from the farm, tied hand and foot,half dead with rage, his gun broken, his trousers turned inside out, andwith three dead hares hanging round his neck, and a placard on his chestwith these words: "Who goes on the chase loses his place."In later years, when he used to tell this story of his wedding night,he usually added: "Ah! as far as a joke went it was a good joke. Theycaught me in a snare, as if I had been a rabbit, the dirty brutes, andthey shoved my head into a bag. But if I can only catch them some daythey had better look out for themselves!"That is how they amuse themselves in Normandy on a wedding day.

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